Sometimes the people closest to you, can’t see the greatness in you. -Unknown
I’m going to speak openly about my experience as an adopted child, in this post. I’m going to be really raw. Not because I want to show off, but because I feel well received here and it frees me… It’s the only space I have that feels true to me. And of course I will end on a good note. So no worries. I will always remain AD at my core. Therefore, you can read safely knowing that there something positive to get out of this post, even if I’m going to take you somewhere dark first…
Alright. I never felt valuable… ever. I always felt like I had to be someone my adoptive mother wanted me to be in order to receive love. I always felt like I had to prove I was worthy of love and appreciation. So I did everything I could to be the perfect daughter. Get good grades. Cook dinner. Babysit children. Clean the entire house… etc. I became an overachiever. But whatever I did, it seem it was never enough. Instead of making her loving me more, all my achievements seem to have made her “disconnected” more. She never understood I was trying to show her my value through my success… She took it as a threat and it seems to have deepen her detachment towards me. So in my teenage years, I went from perfect daughter to daughter gone wrong. I was a drug addict for several years… I’m talking heavy drugs at a very young age, but that’s another story.
My adoptive mother rarely hug me in the past… She still does not do it. I can’t even remember the last time she told me she loves me. If you ask her today, she will tell you it’s all my fault and that I was a detached child… which will shock most of the people you ask about me. They will tell you I’m a nice and warm person.
Of course let’s blame the orphan that spent the first years of her life in an orphanage, right? Well, It’s totally logical to her. It’s me not her. I have issues. There’s something wrong with me. She tried to show to the world I had mental problems in so many different ways… She sent me in a correctional facility for a year and a half. They never had anything bad to say about my behavior… They even wondered what I was doing there…
Fast forward, my adoptive father never had issues showing love to me. I remember him as being a kind loving soul. He would take me in his arms and be patient with me. Little need to say I bounded really easy with him. But as weird as it will sound, she hated it. She disliked my adoptive father and divorced him.
Anyway, so, I grew up thinking I was not enough and there was something wrong with me… She thinks there is something wrong with me. She rejected every bits of me. I could never understand that it has always been her own personal issues she projected on me… She always enjoyed making me look mad to the world… And she succeeded to make me believe I was for a very long time… I thought I was crazy. That I was mentally ill.
When I was admitted at the hospital for having my sugar levels too low, she again tried to make me look bad to the hospital staff. She tried to intern me. It did not work because the hospital staff told her I was there for medical issues not mental issues. Before leaving the hospital, two days before (I only spent a week there), they made me see a psychiatrist for a simple evaluation. The psychiatrist told me he had a chat with my adoptive mother. That single conversation alone made him realize something about her behavior towards me was off. After hearing my story he told me nothing was wrong with me.
When I asked my adoptive mother if what he told me was true, she told me I should not believe everything I hear and that maybe I misinterpreted what he said. She told me she didn’t need to know what we talked about.
Today I know that the relationship with my adoptive mother has created a lot of anxiety and paranoia inside of me. It has crippled me. I wasted several years not enjoying my adult life to the fullest. But, I do not hate her. I do not hold her responsible because I understand the mechanisms behind her behavior.
I’m slowly getting back on my feet. I started recognizing my own value through her dysfunction. I started standing up for myself and I now have my own back which I did not have before. I thought someone had to have my back in order to feel supported. I was unaware I could also give myself support. My adoptive family support is limited. I do not trust my adoptive mother. I believe she does not have my best interest at heart, not because she hates me, but because of her belief system. I understand she operates on her very own consciousness level and frequency, like each one of us. And without realizing it, I dated the same kind of individual… My ex had a lot of the behaviors that reminded me of her which contributed in my awakening, but my ex is another story… let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
So yeah… my adoptive mother thinks she knows me but she does not. The image of me that she has is a fantasy and if you ask her why she will tell you it’s because of me… that I never showed her who I was. Truth is, she does not want to see me. Or maybe she sees me but hates the person she sees in me because it reflects on who she is not? She told me several years ago that she wished she was adventurous like me which was one of those rare times she said something nice.
Nevertheless, I can’t connect with my adoptive mother because she can’t connect with me, but today I stand in love because I know it is not my fault… and I know it is not hers either. I have released the need for me to get approved by her. It is truly freeing. I feel I can be who I ever wanted to be and date who ever I wanted to date. Hm. To be continued…
With that being said, I understand how hard it is to recognize our value and our worth when we are taught to believe something is wrong with us. I know that’s the case for many of us… But here’s the thing.
Too often we base our value on how someone is treating us. We base our value on what people say and think about us. We base our value on how many friends we have or how much money we make. We base our value on the relationship we have with our spouse or the relationship we have with our colleagues… And that’s the problem.
When we look externally to define our value, we give our power away. We allow people, circumstances and society to tell us who we are. That is why we get sick, depressed, anxious, dysfunctional or insecure. We look for approval and value in dysfunction. While it is instinct that makes us look for value in the people closest to us, it does not mean that they know how to make us feel valuable.
But now I understand we all do the best we can with the resources we have. Someone cannot give us the value we desire when they do not hold that value. Yes of course it feels good when we get approved and valued by others and situations. But It’s a plus, a bonus. We can be grateful and thankful when we receive it, but we should not based our value on what people give us or how they treat us. Because when they hurt us, they take our value away. It took me a long time to realize the people whom I was seeking value from had their own issues who prevented them to make me feel valuable.
It also took me a lot of time to realize that I shouldn’t put my value in others people hands. Messed up people messes up. Dysfunctional people will make you dysfunctional.
Don’t let your past, lies you’ve been told, upbringings, bank account, circumstances, family, relationships and friends define your value. Find value within… based your value on who you want to be. If you don’t know who you are without people, when they leave, you will be lost. And even good people, the people who love you dearly can’t keep you fixed all the time. They deal with their own issues.
So don’t spend your life trying to get approval. It will ruin your emotional and/or your physical health. Define your own value. Free yourself.
I wish infinite love, health, healing, wealth, success, happiness, awareness, peace and wisdom upon your soul